Funniest NBA Rivalries
Much ado about nothing, indeed
Magic vs. Bird, LeBron vs. Curry, Chamberlain vs. Russell. We’ve gotten some great basketball out of these rivalries, illustrious era-defining moments that keep us coming back for more. But people are messy, so it stands to reason that not every NBA beef is quite that dignified. So here I thought I’d weigh in on a couple of the goofier ones from (relatively, in a few cases) recent seasons. Because sometimes sports fans take things very seriously, and me, I’m all about fun.
Draymond Green vs. dudes’ nuts. The 2016 playoffs featured two famous nutshots by the Warriors’ defensive stalwart, one administered to OKC’s Steven Adams in a chippy Western Conference Finals, and the other dealt to none other than LeBron James. The Golden State faithful will swear up and down that the latter blow cost the Warriors the series, and they’ll occasionally even claim that the refs gave LeBron preferential treatment. To which I say, a) um, duh, nobody asked Draymond to kick anyone where the sun don’t shine, b) your boys were up 3-1 and couldn’t finish the job because c) LeBron spent the series’ back half in sicko mode (I’ll maintain that his was the single greatest Finals performance in NBA history, and that’s considering how badly he underperformed in those first three games, because LeBron is just that good and let’s not forget it), and d) they’d already took 2015 and would go onto claim ‘17 and ‘18 as well, so maybe a little gratitude, sports fans? Is that too much to ask? Draymond also took a blow where the sun don’t shine earlier this season, delivered by Jarrett Allen (he of the magnificent afro), so there’s that.
Yes, I’m going to do a LeBron essay eventually. That 2016 Finals was enough to turn me from a hater to a stan. Zeal of the convert is a very real thing, folks.
Kevin Durant vs. social media haters. KD’s Suns went out hard this year, so I almost feel bad piling on the guy, but look. When you’re a fourteen-time all-star, eighth on the all-time scoring list, a two-time champion, and an MVP, surely you can take a little criticism, right? Well, maybe not. Because even with that sparkling resume in mind, I’ll always remember him as the dude who started several burner Twitter accounts to defend himself from criticism. So if someone named Fartmaster420 or whatever shows up in the comments all “hey shut up the Slim Reaper would never do such a thing he’s an awesome well-adjusted cool dude who never uses Twitter because hes 2 busy bangin ur mom,” we’ll all know who’s behind the flatulence.
Nikola Jokic vs. expressing any emotion other than vague annoyance. Look, we as NBA fans got lazy when we nicknamed this dude Joker. Sure, it’s his name and all, but it doesn’t fit his vibe. Where his nicknamesake goes about even his most basic tasks with a certain unhinged glee, Jokic deconstructs defenses with all the passion of the Terminator. It’s pretty badass, actually. But he’s still a human like the rest of us. Get this guy in the postgame pressers and he’s less Arnold Schwarzenegger and more Harrison Ford in that hideously ill-advised Blade Runner narration. The dude’s default expression is “oh my god shut up so I can just go back to Serbia and hang out with my horses.” Like every other player on this list, the man’s an artist on the parquet. Yet his stubborn social ineptitude will forever crack me up.
James Harden vs. James Harden. Only three players in NBA history have averaged 30-plus points per game for multiple seasons. Even if you’re not a big-time hoops head, it’s easy to guess the first two guys: Wilt Chamberlain and Michael Jordan. James Harden rounds out this elite club. He’s also a member of a far bigger fraternity: athletes whose instincts for the dramatic undermine their ability to meaningfully function in a team context. Since 2021, the dude has forced his way off the Rockets, the Nets, and the Sixers, each time going out with both middle fingers in the air. Worse yet, he keeps disappearing in the playoffs. Unlike MJ and Wilt, he’ll likely retire ringless, and he’ll have no one but himself to blame. Like, remember Game Seven of the 2018 Conference Finals, where Harden kept shooting threes even though none of them were falling? When a thing’s not working, try it another way. That’s just common sense. You can, if you’re so inclined, rage at his childish antics and squandered talent. Or you can laugh at the absurdity of it all.
DeAndre Ayton vs. actually playing real basketball. Man, DeAndre Ayton looked like the big man of the future in the 2021 NBA Finals. Granted, 15 points per game is pretty standard for a third option, but twelve rebounds and two blocks? Pret-tay, pret-tay good. Hell, only Giannis exceeded him in those two metrics, and he became the Finals MVP! How about that. Except the dude fell off a cliff the next season, which played a hand in the Suns ‘22 playoff flameout. And yeah, part of that was because he got into that beef with the front office over his contract and his minutes, but then it came out that the dude was skimping out on practice so he could play NBA 2K. Which he is, apparently, quite good at. That would be a fun little factoid, worthy of a profile maybe, but like, the dude’s in the NBA. Does he know what a lot of people would do to even have a shot at the big leagues? And here’s a guy who makes millions of dollars a year to play real basketball playing… a basketball simulator. Man. Truly, we are living in the dumbest timeline.
There’s only one thing to do!
Par. Tay.
We’ve been heavy on the hoops lately, but if that’s not your bag, fear not! I’ll get back to talkin’ tunes on Monday.